


Goodbye For Now

by sooyeollie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:01:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25761781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sooyeollie/pseuds/sooyeollie
Summary: Behind those smiles and laughter, Baekhyun was always in pain. Until one day he decided to put an end to those pain and fly away happily. Now it's time for his 8 brothers to let him go.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	Goodbye For Now

**Author's Note:**

> please read the warning!  
> this fic will talk about suicide. basically baekhyun attempted suicide and his members wrote goodbye letters for him.
> 
> this fic was inspired by this fanmade [video](https://youtu.be/YAygnOJrAc8).
> 
> you can also listen to this [song](https://youtu.be/M2bbLPYSwvs) while reading it.

“Hey, how are you there?” Yixing smiles as he sits down on the floor. “I miss you. We all do.” he adds.

“Are you happier now?” he asks softly, it almost sounds like he's about to cry but he doesn't. Not yet.

“Anyways, I brought you something.” he takes out the letters from his bag and lifts it up as if to show it to the person he's talking to, except no one is in front of him but a columbarium that keeps his best friend's urn.

“Baekhyun, we wrote some letters for you,” he pauses, looking down at the letters with different kinds of paper and sizes. “I know, I know, it's probably too late, right?" he pauses, his voice becomes softer. "We're sorry. We really do. But I guess it's our only way to properly say goodbye to you.”

Yixing looks up at the columbarium niche, “We're not letting you go, never. We're just,” he pauses again, shaking his head,  _ no he's not going to cry _ . “We're just trying to accept that you're no longer here with us like you used to.”

It took them 4 and a half months to finally write these letters. It hasn't been the same since they found out about Baekhyun's passing. It has been a very difficult time for everyone, especially for the youngest members. They can't deny the fact that it did put a strain on their relationships as they all chose different paths to deal with the situation, but Yixing always makes sure that he's still keeping an eye on everyone. It was his idea to write letters to Baekhyun. Sehun was really against the idea at first, but after some convincing, he finally wrote his letter. And now here Yixing is, holding 8 letters from every single member. He has gotten permission from everyone to read it to Baekhyun. Yixing didn't want to do it at first, until all of them convinced him saying they still can't be there to see Baekhyun. They're not ready yet.

“Before I read their letters, I'll give you little updates about each of them. Is that okay?” he smiles again, leaning against the columbarium.

He takes out the first letter, he takes it randomly and the letter belongs to their leader, Junmyeon. “It's Junmyeon's. He's, um, I haven't really heard from him for a month. He's been secluding himself in some place. The last time I heard from him was when he sent me this letter. He told me he's okay, he's getting better. He just needed to get away from everyone and everything. So,” Yixing fiddles with the letter before taking away the envelope and opening the paper. He takes a deep breath, “Ready?”

_ Dear My Younger Brother, Baekhyun, _

_ How are you? _

_ I should have asked you this question more often. I should have asked you further and pestered you when you always lied, saying you were fine. When you're not. You've given me happiness for the time we've known each other, I'm sorry I couldn't give you the same amount of happiness. _

_ If I knew better, I'd hug you every single night, wipe your every tear. I'll let you cry, I'll let you take a break from the world, I'll bear the pain with you in any way possible. _

_ I'm sorry I wasn't good enough as a leader, I didn't notice your pain. I was too blinded by your smiles and laughter that I didn't realize behind it all, you're hurting.  _

_ I'm running away now, what kind of a leader am I? But I can't help it, Baekhyun. Sometimes I dream of waking up in the middle of a forest and I'd run and run. I don't even know where I'm heading, but I just feel like I should run. Sometimes I'd even hear your voice, calling my name or just simply laugh like you used to. After all those running, I'd see a door with a bright white light, it's beautiful, just like you. Is it you behind that door? _

_ Please wait for me, Baekhyun. I miss you. Please visit me in my dreams in the meantime. As much as I hate how you departed, I'm glad that you're no longer hurting. I love you, Baekhyun. I love you. Please rest well. _

“That was something, wasn't it?” Yixing lets out a long sigh, trying to sound calm, even when tears start to form in his eyes. He clears his throat, smiling again, “Next!”

Yixing takes another letter, it's Baekhyun's same-age member, Jongdae. “Ah, Jongdae. He's been taking a trip to Europe. He's doing well, Baekhyun-ah. He usually sends me pictures of the places he visits or a selca. I'm happy that he's doing much better. You're happy too right?”

_ My dearest brother, Baekhyun,  _

_ Fuck you! _

_ What are you doing this whole time? Why do you feel obligated to make everyone laugh when you just wanted to cry? What the heaven were you thinking?! You could have dragged me to your room and just break down in tears, I don't care how it's done, I just want you to feel better. I wanna make you feel better. But of course, you! Being the brightest human being that you are, think that you should carry everything by yourself. Idiot, you have 3 same-age friends in this group for a reason. Fuck you, Byun! _

_ Damn, it feels good to lash out on you! Did you feel it? Well damn I hope you do. Because if not, I'll hunt you down when my time comes and I'll beat your ass. I don't care about your black belt in Hapkido or whatever. I'll beat you! _

_ Okay, I'm sorry, I know I said I'm done but you know how I am. It's just.. I'll stop here.  _

_ I've been going on a trip in Europe. It's really fun, the people here look at me weirdly sometimes, especially when I start speaking. Damn if only you were here, I'm sure you'd make fun of every English speaking person you see and I'd just laugh beside you. “C'mon man, c'mon! Oh my gash” you'd say that right? Damn Baek, I miss you! I miss laughing with you, singing with you, even showering with you. Yesterday I went to a rooftop and there were many white fabrics hanging and I don't know, it reminded me of you. I was reminded of that one interview when you said the color of our comeback is white because we don't know about it yet. We had a great laugh in that one interview, didn't we? Well, back to the rooftop, the view made me happy, although I still cried a little bit. You're proud of me right? For being so strong.. _

_ Anyways, you know how there are a lot of wishing fountains and wells in Europe? If you ever visit here, don't believe it. It's a scam, you know why? I wish for you to come back and you never did. So yeah, just letting you know. _

_ I don't know when, but I know we'll see each other again. We're soulmates after all, right? _

_ Good bye, Baekhyunnie. _

_ I love you, brother. _

“Damn you, Jongdae.” Yixing mutters under his breath as if he's afraid to be heard by someone. “No, Baek, I'm not crying," Yixing forces a chuckle before taking a deep breath. "Ready for the next one?”

Yixing grabs another letter that is laying on the floor. He opens the envelope and takes out the paper carefully. He sees the writing and he recognizes it immediately. “Minseok hyung.”

Yixing hums for a few seconds, thinking, “Minseok hyung has been quite well, he's managing himself better than anyone. But I know deep down he's not okay and that he still cries himself to sleep. He's been calling your phone ever since he found out, did you know that? How do I know? Because I've been keeping your phone and some of your other belongings.” Yixing takes out something from his pocket before placing it beside Baekhyun's urn. “Here, let's see if he calls you again tonight.”

Yixing unfolds the paper and begins to read it,

_ Baekhyun-ah, _

_ I wish I knew better, but saying those words had become meaningless now. You've made your decision and there's nothing I could do about it now. I can't stop wondering about the what if's and if only I knew.. _

_ I know that's not what you want me to do now, but I can't help it. I'm sorry, really. I can’t seem to forgive myself, not now.  _

_ How can you leave me? You're a part of me in EXO, CBX, and we even live in the same dorm. It's like you took away parts of me altogether. I don't blame you, Baekhyunnie. I just wish I knew better. I tried to stop myself from crying, but I can't. I tried, Baek, I really did. _

_ “Hyung!!!” that's how you always greet me whenever you wake up in the morning and find me cleaning the dorm, or when you're trying to unlock the bathroom door to shower with me. I miss it, Baekhyun. I wish I let you shower with me before. If I let you shower with me everyday, would you come back here? _

_ Now that I think about it, I realized that you used different tones when you called me. It's not always the usual cheerful “hyung!” sometimes it's a little soft and weak, like you're asking me to look at you and embrace you. I'm so sorry I didn't pay enough attention to it all. Maybe if I did, would you still be here? _

_ I tried so hard to understand why you did it, but no matter how much I rack my brain for it, the answer just never comes. I guess that will remain as a mystery then? _

_ I'm curious about something, do you have your phone up there? Because I've left you many voicemails and I want you to listen to it all. Please be happy from now on, Baekhyunnie. I love you, always. _

“Fuck.” Yixing finally lets a tear slips from his eyes. “Minseok hyung..”

“Why did I agree to read this to you? I'm not strong enough. Damn it.” Yixing mutters under his breath, head leaning against his palms. “Give me some time, Baekhyunnie. I promise I'll read you every letter.”

After 6 minutes of silence, of Yixing silently cries, he finally wipes his tears and grabs another letter, “Alright. Next one.”

He unfolds the letter, his hand is a little shaky, “Chanyeollie.” he says after reading the signed name. 

_ Byun Baekhyun, _

_ It's your best friend, Park Chanyeol. You still remember me right? How about a promise we made that we'd have each other's backs? That we would be there for each other when things don't go well? Do you even remember that? Why did you---never mind. I'm sure Jongdae would already scold you in his letter. So I'm not going to do that. _

_ Baekhyun-ah.. You've been fighting your demons for so long, but I wish when the time you stop fighting them comes you'd still be here, with us. And not like this. It's hard to accept it, but I have to, right? I keep telling myself, ‘At least Baekhyun is no longer fighting the difficult battles within himself.’ but it happened, and you did what you thought was the right answer. And that's okay. _

_ You lived well, Baekhyunnie. You did well. You made sure everyone around you is happy and taken care of. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for having someone who could be my partner in crime (I miss doing pranks with you and joking with you), but now that you're no longer here, I guess I need to start recruiting the others. What do you say? Will you allow me to do that? _

_ Baekhyunnie, you're happy now, right? Bec _ _ ause if you're not, I'll be a clown just for you and make you laugh. _

_ Thank you for being a wonderful person in my life, Baekhyun-ah. I love you. _

_ Don't go anywhere, okay? I'll come and see you when it's time. Until then, take care of us and yourself. _

Yixing lets out a deep breath after reading the letter. He folds the letter and puts it back in the envelope. "Chanyeollie. He's been locking himself in his apartment. Sometimes when I come to visit, I can hear him cry quietly. But he told me that nowadays, he's been busying himself making music. That's good, right?" Yixing pauses, looking at the letters. "4 more to go, the maknaes and mine. Let's see who's next." he grabs an envelope, opens it and scans the bottom of paper to see who it belongs to. "Kyungsoo. He went back to his hometown and I guess he's doing well. I hope. Let's see.."

_ Baekhyunnie, _

_ I guess there's no use in blaming you, myself, or anyone. All I know is your pain has finally stopped and I'm glad for it. _

_ Lately I've been watching our videos and I was reminded that your power was light. So I looked for it. For lights. I opened my doors and windows and let the light come in -- let YOU come in. I know you're not physically with us anymore, I can't cling to you and feel you in my arms, but I know that your soul will always be with me wherever I go and as long as I live. Thank you, Baekhyun, for bringing out the best in me. Without you, this Do Kyungsoo wouldn't exist. So I will continue to live well for both, you and I. _

_ I hope heaven is serving you good food. Eat lots of food! Don't hold back, you don't need to worry about dieting now. Take care of yourself, Baekhyunnie.  _

_ P.S. you need to start calling me "hyung" because you've stopped aging (you're stuck in your 20s, how lucky!) while I still continue to age and soon I'll be older than you. Call me "Kyungsoo hyung" from now on! _

Yixing laughs after reading Kyungsoo's letter, "We can totally say that Kyungsoo is doing well. I guess he's really trying to live a good life for you, Baekhyun-ah. You're proud, aren't you?"

Yixing takes another letter, he opens it. The paper is a bit crumpled and there are some teardrops stains on it. "You know," Yixing clears his throat. "It was really hard for Jongin. This is Jongin's letter, by the way." he lifts up the letter as if showing it in front of Baekhyun's face. "He couldn't handle it very well. He locked himself up in his apartment. He didn't talk to anyone, not even through the messaging apps. I tried to reach out to him, but he wouldn't respond. But then Kyungsoo told me that Jongin replied to his texts. So, at least he's talking to one of us. And that's how we got his letter now. You ready, Baek?" Yixing looks up at Baekhyun's columbarium. "What am I saying? Of course you're ready. You were born ready, right?"

_ Dear my lovely hyung, _

_ You know how everyone has their own guardian angel, right? Hyung, do you think it's greedy if I want another guardian angel? One that I know will take care of me well. (Keep reading if you wanna find out who that is.) _

_ Hyung, when I found out that you're no longer here with us, I started spending my time in my place by myself. I never realized it, but all I see is darkness.. Until Kyungsoo hyung reminded me that your power was light. I haven't seen the sun for a long time, you know. So one day I decided to go out and look for you. I went to all the places where I could see the sun. The sun rises and sets beautifully, from the beginning 'till the end, it shines bright and it feels warm. Just like you were, hyung. I hope you know that. If you didn't, well, now I'm telling you. _

_ From now on, I promise to not stay in my darkness. I will look at the sun and think of my bright hyung. In return, you have to be my guardian angel. Deal? _

_ Take care of me, hyung. I'm counting on you. I love you, hyung. _

"2 more to go. Let's leave mine for the last, okay?" Yixing smiles, taking Sehun's letter. "Sehunnie. Well, he's been going out a lot. Did you know that he could drive a motorcycle? A big one at that. He often goes out at night and does all sorts of things. But he never got into any big trouble, so don't worry, Baek," Yixing pauses, thinking. "Well, except for that one time he fought with Jongin, I mean we were all kinda messed up in the head at that time, but they resolved it. After that, Sehun didn't really talk to us. Sometimes he would still reply to my messages though, but he kept it short and simple. He didn't really want to write a letter for you at first, but he finally did."

Yixing takes a deep breath before finally reading it. 

_ Baekhyun hyung, _

_ Please come back to me. I miss you. _

Yixing holds on to the paper for a minute. He stares at each word again. Just like Jongin's, Sehun's paper has even more teardrops stains. Sehun's handwriting is not the same as his usual handwriting. It looks a bit shaky. There was also a scratch of ink by the end of his letter, like the pen is just dropped there.  There aren't many words, only 2 sentences, but Yixing can feel the great sadness behind those words. Yixing wishes he could run to their youngest member now and hold him tight. Yixing finally lets himself cry, he doesn't hold back any tears. "Why?" he asks. He spends the next 5 minutes crying, his hands are shaking and his breathing becomes unstable.

He reads Sehun's letter one more time before folding it again. He finally takes the last letter, his own letter. "This is the last one. And it's mine."

_ Baekhyun-ah, _

_ I wish I could understand why you did what you did, but does it even matter now? I guess it's not. There's no point in thinking what I could have done to stop you, but I can't help it. I just keep thinking about it. I know there will be a day when I do not ask the why's anymore, I know there will be a day when I can finally understand your decision. Everyday I am hoping that in our next life, we would still meet each other and be happy. Until we grow old together. Even if it can't happen in this lifetime, I am still and will forever be grateful that my youth was spent with you... _

_ A beautiful soul that will never be forgotten. _

Yixing puts down his letter and leans on the wall. He thinks back to all the moments he had with his brother, Byun Baekhyun. There was no dull moment with him. Even if there were some ugly moments when they argued and fought, those moments have become hazy in Yixing's memory. Only the beautiful ones stay clear in his mind and heart. Yixing can no longer hold his tears from falling, but a smile is also making its way.

"I hope you're happy now, Baekhyunnie."

*

_ Do not, even for a second, think that this is your fault. Because it isn't. It was never your fault and will never be. You all can cry, but don't beat yourself up too much, okay? _

_ I was happy, whenever I'm with you all, I was always happy. You guys made me feel like I could hold on to one more day. But still.. there are days when it was just too much. When my demon got the best of me. I felt like I had to keep running. Until it took all the lights and hopes I had left. Until it got to a dead-end, there was no escaping and I'm stuck. It won over me. _

_ But don't worry, I am happy now. I am finally free. I could fly away, I don't need to run away anymore. I don't need to hold on to the lights, because now I am the light (it's my power, remember?). _

_ Bottom line is, you don't have to worry about me anymore. I am okay now. I am happy. _

_ Minseok hyung, Junmyeon hyung, Yixing hyung, Jongdae, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Sehun, _

_ Thank you for being my happiness. _

_ Thank you for being my light at the end of the tunnel. _

_ But for now, it's goodbye. Until next time. _

_ Yours truly, _

_ Byun Baekhyun _

**Author's Note:**

> please talk to someone if you ever have suicidal thoughts. it may not seem like it now, but it'll be alright soon. you are loved.


End file.
